John Craven is a silly bald man.

Arthur and Fernando: We Like Stuff

2011-10-15T09:25:00.002-04:00

TIME WARP @ Puckin Fuppet Show

2011-07-28T20:23:00.000-04:00

Overkill

2011-04-14T00:22:00.011-04:00

The first thing I ever recorded on a VCR was Men at Work on Solid Gold. The first thing I ever bought with money I saved up was a Men at Work Cargo cassette at Lechmeres. I told Colin Hay both of these facts after his show in NYC. He figured out the fact that I'm a huge nerd.

Octopus Holler

2011-03-17T00:42:00.000-04:00

My 7-year-old son invited me down to the basement tonight and asked me to be in his rock band Octopus Holler. He sang and played guitar, while I played drums (neither of us know how to play either of these instruments by the way) He wrote and sang 4 songs on the spot:

1. "Take Me On a Date Tuesday"
2. "Rattlesnake, Rattlesnake, You're Evil, You Will Kill Me"
3. "I Don't Want a Drumstick for Dinner (Maybe Breakfast or Lunch)"
4. "Why Are You a Punching Bag?"

Not only were these the song titles, but they were also the entire lyrics for each of these songs. When we were all done "rehearsing", he asked me if I made a CD of what we did. I apparently dropped the ball. I thought it was just a rehearsal.

Desk Drawer Follies: Can you hear me now?

2011-03-12T18:27:00.000-05:00

As seen in Sky Mall

2011-01-28T15:34:00.006-05:00

Here's how I imagine the meeting
went at Gravity Defyer when they
decided on this logo...

Decision Maker: Ok, so we'll go with the second logo.

Influencer: Are you serious? The sperm? You want our logo to be an image of sperm?

Agency Rep: It's a tadpole. It represents how these shoes transform you into a leap frog.

Influencer: Am I the only one seeing this? You're telling me we're going to put a sperm on all of our shoes?

Decision Maker: It's gonna happen eventually anyway. Ha ha.

Lemmings: Ha ha ha ha.

Brown Noser: Good one, sir.

Influencer: WHAT?? What the hell kind of shoes are we selling? I quit!!

Decision Maker: Ok. It's agreed then. We're going with the sperm logo.

I'm bushed...

2010-12-19T21:12:00.004-05:00

Last week was a whirlwind. Spent most of the week in NYC. Made it out for the first part of @Rich Wolf's birthday festivities, got to see my younger brother @Jerard-James Craven, met baby Henry Fateman, saw @Jessica Kirson headline at Comedy Cellar, and saw lots of the @Bluewolf pack at the Holiday Party. Then returned back home for Jack's 7th Birthday Party featuring the magic and comedy of @Christian Saslo, and ended out the week in an improv show at @TheBasementTheater and in the @PuckinFuppetShow with @Jamie Ward...Thanks everyone for a great week! Whew, I'm wiped out, and here comes xmas.

Help me Santa Claus, you're my only hope...

2010-12-16T12:19:00.001-05:00

The trickiest items for Santa this year at our house? My son wants a real donkey, and my daughter wants the piece missing from the puzzle she made a couple weeks ago.

It's beginning to look a lot like...

2010-12-15T08:36:00.010-05:00

NYC is lovely this time of year. This is the view from my hotel room. Yes, that is the Port Authority Bus Terminal. Try not to be jealous.

Bonehead

2010-12-14T08:14:00.001-05:00

You ever been out of town and had to buy a hat and gloves because it's so freakin' cold, and then proceed to walk 10 blocks with them in the bag in your hand? Yeah, I didn't just do that either.

Ouchie

2010-12-13T16:25:00.000-05:00

I learned another lesson this weekend. Don't go to the gym and let a trainer tear up your triceps on Saturday, if you have a 5 hour Puppeteering Workshop on Sunday. I could barely lift my arms this morning to wash my flowing luxurious hair.

Boo-yah

2010-12-05T21:34:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling guilty about how infrequently I update this site, so here's some blog-y, journal-y drivel for you to munch on...

Yesterday was one of those days that made me wish I had just stayed in bed. First thing in the morning, when taking the dogs out, they tripped me on the front stairs, and the cell phone in my pocket smashed on the bricks. The phone's LCD screen looks like a really crappy, tiny stained glass window now. Lesson: Sandals, rain, rambunctious dogs, and my morning level of coordination are a bad combo; and Verizon insurance dings you $90 now for Smartphone replacements.

In the afternoon, we went Christmas tree shopping at a local cut-your-own farm. When we got home, as I attempted to take the tree down from the roof rack, it got away from me, and took the side mirror right off the truck. Lesson: If it takes 5 guys at the tree farm to put your tree on top of your vehicle, don't try to handle it by yourself on the other end; and by the way, clear packing tape holding your side mirror on doesn't look any less white trash than duct tape does.

I ended the night doing a set at a music venue in the 5-points area of Atlanta. Lesson: Fifty single, 20-something hipsters, waiting for the band after the comedy show, do not find me funny.

Really dude?

2010-11-24T00:06:00.002-05:00

Part of me wants to understand the story and thought process behind getting these vanity plates on your Corvette.

Why are you bald?

2010-11-20T07:24:00.000-05:00

Here's a conversation I had on a weekly basis when I was in my 20s http://t.co/r2h8ds3

From Fulton Street to Fulton County

2010-04-12T20:36:00.004-04:00

Last Thursday after wrapping up at work for the day, I hopped on the A train at Fulton Street in New York City. A couple of train rides later, I got in my car at the Hamilton station. Then I swung by the house to pick up my favorite 3 redheads and we pointed the family truckster south.

After a long drive, a much-too-brief stay at a Holiday Inn, and another shorter drive, we arrived in Fulton County, Georgia. This was the culmination of several feverish weeks of internet research, phone calls, email exchanges, and general plotting.

We spent much of the day Friday exploring the area and poking our noses around 5 houses in Roswell. At the end of the day, our Real Estate agent drove us by another house that we were slated to see Saturday morning. I'd only seen 4 pictures of this new listing online, but as we drove by this particular house, I unexpectedly declared, "Sold!"

The next day, instead of dragging the smaller of the aforementioned redheads through another 8 houses that we were scheduled to look at, I stayed back at the hotel with them and swam in the pool. When we finally got out of the pool, I noticed 3 missed calls and 2 voicemails on my cell. It was Lori, quite excited about one of the houses on her Saturday tour.

I packed up the kids and we met her at (of course) the house I had proclaimed, "Sold". We tried to not let ourselves get too emotional about it, as we've had enough real estate deals go sour, and there were already 4 other offers on this incredible house. Our 8-year-old daughter loved the house so much, she offered to kick in all of her allowance, if we could buy it. So we made an offer. After a bit of anxiety on the drive north Saturday night, at 10pm we received a call from the agent, letting us know that our offer had been accepted. Yay!!

So here's your fair warning all y'all, the Cravens are moving south.

Advertising Fail

2010-03-19T10:13:00.000-04:00

Great idea, put your company's phone number in a place that a lot of people will see it.

Better idea, include all of the digits for said phone number.

1-800-27-3207????

Clovis Jones: Pong Fu

2010-02-20T08:26:00.000-05:00

Clovis Jones: Pong Fu - watch more funny videos

Toyota. Fail.

2010-02-04T21:58:00.001-05:00

Snapped this on the way into the Lincoln Tunnel this morning. Great motto, Toyota! Would be more effective if I wasn't listening to a news story about your gas pedal and Prius brake issues on 1010WINS at the same time

Super powers not included

2010-01-31T21:50:00.002-05:00

Found this in the instructions for a Batman costume. I think this is generally good advice.

Zhu Zhu Pest

2010-01-05T22:57:00.003-05:00

I think they should start putting these same warnings on real hamsters and gerbils.

Impressive Kids Rules

2009-12-30T10:41:00.004-05:00

I recently found this posted in the basement of our house. Obviously, the work of my 7-year-old daughter, although when I initially asked her about it, she didn't care to own up to it for some reason.

The first thing that strikes me about these rules is that they are clearly geared toward excluding my 5-year-old son from being an 'impressive kid'. He's the only person other than myself that wears masks and capes around the house and we're also the only ones that wield swords, for that matter. Since it specifically identifies in the title that these are rules for 'kids', it doesn't apply to me. So sadly, these appear to be guidelines that my daughter has developed for my son should he want to be an 'impressive kid'.

The second thing that's curious to me about these rules is Rule #3. I would think that should be Rule #1. The other stuff all seems pointless, if you're not going to 'be impressive', right? I have to also say that in my book, this rule is overly simplified. I have absolutely no idea what constitutes being impressive. While this set of rules does a fairly good job of pointing out the things that you should not do or wear, it leaves me wondering what exactly needs to be done to 'be impressive!'?

To get to the bottom of this, I again asked my daughter if she knew anything about these rules and specifically if she knew what was involved with being impressive. As it turns out, she did know and it's actually quite simple. According to her, you just need to "do things that are impossible for most people to do." I'm glad we got this cleared up.

2009 Clovis Jones Collection

2009-10-14T20:31:00.010-04:00

Cavity Search

Project Apatow

Where Is My Mind?

exercise hazards

2009-08-05T23:23:00.051-04:00

On Tuesday, a man walked into an LA Fitness outside of Pittsburgh and opened fire. He killed 3 women and injured 9 others before turning his gun on himself. Click here for the story

Today, a woman was jogging in a park in Philadelphia when a 30-foot tree branch fell and killed her. Click here for the story

My sympathy goes out to all of the victims -- how awful to get out there and exercise, trying to do something healthy for yourself, only to get killed in the process. I am great at making excuses to avoid exercising, but even I have never put it off because I was afraid it might kill me. Maybe a home gym is the way to go.

Lance Armstrong is no dope

2009-07-27T20:20:00.049-04:00

I like Lance Armstrong. Not necessarily because of his dominance in the cycling world, or the fact that he created the Live Strong Foundation, and got roughly a zillion people to wear yellow rubber bracelets. I like Lance Armstrong mainly because he had a great cameo in the movie Dodgeball.

Throughout his cycling career, Mr. Armstrong has repeatedly been accused of using performance enhancing substances, commonly referred to "juicing" or "doping", and he quite often refutes those claims.

In this particular CNN story, Mr. Armstrong seems a bit peeved that again he needs to respond to such ridiculous allegations that he would in any way use any sort of performance enhancement. The article says that there are various methods of doping that "can range from consuming ingredients in simple cold remedies to using erythropoieten". That sounds like a pretty wide range, and makes me wonder if products that could be used to "fight fatigue and support immune system" would fall within that range.

I also have to wonder if the ad placement for FRS with this particular CNN story was completely random and coincidental, or if someone in production at CNN.com saw the irony here. On the left of this page is Lance Armstrong who says he does not, has not, will not take any sort of performance enhancing substance, and on the right is Lance Armstrong who doesn't mind getting a paycheck to pimp such a substance. Click here for article on CNN

UPDATE: I noticed that after the July 27, 2009 when the article was first published, I could not get the FRS ad to come up on this page again - the image above is a screen capture I took when I first saw it...

bathroom tip

2009-04-04T20:04:00.001-04:00

If you ever have to wait more than 5 minutes at a public restroom, you don't want to be next.

bored?

2009-03-08T20:40:00.003-04:00

Something that's fun to do when you're bored is to go shopping at Target. The trick however, is to wear a red shirt. That is key. The fun begins when people start asking you where to find stuff. Here's some ideas, but have fun with it and improvise.

Tell them the exact wrong place to find whatever they're looking for.
Tell them and then follow them at an uncomfortably close distance.
Say, "I'll show you, follow me" and then wander aimlessly around the store. Make excuses like, "A truck just came today, they're usually right here" or "we just moved everything to new locations last night"
Ponder the question for a moment, then start to cry.
Escalate the crying and stage a "meltdown"
Just stand there, take out your phone, and start texting people
If it's a lady, tell her she's got a great rack for someone her age
If it's a guy, tell him he's got a great rack for someone his age

When you're done, be sure to punch out and be sure to get your employee discount on any purchases you make that day.

eggs

2009-01-10T15:19:00.006-05:00

I hate it when I can only partially read ads on the subway and have to try to fill in the blanks for myself. For example, I saw one recently and what I read was, "be an egg donor and become a dreammaker" As a parent that made me really sad, just thinking about all the people out there dreaming that they could have their very own omelet.

eat it.

2008-08-04T14:40:00.014-04:00

My wife and I can understand that our kids don't want to eat vegetables. All we are saying, is give peas a chance.

underwear

2007-11-07T21:29:00.011-05:00

How is it a pair of underwear, if it's only one?

MRSA scare

2007-11-01T20:21:00.009-04:00

My daughter recently had a staph infection and it gave us quite a scare as there have been lots of recent stories in the news about the new super-bug MRSA. There's nothing funny about this, and we were very relieved that the infection responded to antibiotics. But I did have a question, if a group of doctors get together to talk about MRSA, would they call it a staph meeting?

shhh... it's a secret

2007-10-30T19:34:00.010-04:00

I don't know why these bother me, but from time to time I receive these emails with "private" or "secret" sales from Macy's and other retailers. should I really believe that this spam is just for me? am I somehow that important to them as a customer? It makes me want go to the store and brag to all of the "regular" customers about how I'm practically royalty at Macy's.

this one however, not only irked me, but also confused me. perhaps I'm not an experienced enough shopper, but what does the last sentence even mean, "the real secret is in knowing how to work every angle"? huh?

twins

2007-10-11T21:55:00.008-04:00

How is it that fraternal twins can be girls?

corn

2007-09-30T20:29:00.008-04:00

Shouldn't acorn and unicorn mean the same thing?

caring

2007-09-21T19:42:00.008-04:00

"Could care less." or "Couldn't care less." Which is it?

welcome

2007-09-21T19:16:00.012-04:00

Hello. Welcome to my inaugural blog posting on johncraven.com! This is an exciting moment in johncraven.com history, and all of history for that matter. As I mentioned in the header thingy up there, I will be sure to infrequently make posts out here. You are welcome to comment, or not. You are welcome to give me feedback, or not. I could care less. No, I do care. I don't know why I said that. I want to hear what you have to say about what I have to say. Oh crap. My first post, and it's already going horribly wrong. I'll get better at this, or not.